a flickering spark wanting to be appreciated for her warmth



<3 SONGS!

Fields of Gold - Sting
You were meant for me - Jewel
If i ain't got you - Alicia Keys
All of me - John Legend
Home - Phillip Phillips
L-O-V-E - Nat King Cole
How long will I love you - Ellie Goulding
The Glory of Love - The Five Keys

She has left.
I remember it was Sunday. Last day of May. I remember she was in pain for a while. I remember she could not longer speak. I remember my Grandmother, and she left quietly after every one of us came to say goodbye.

You never really forget someone, or get over someone. You just choose to keep them in a corner of your heart and mind. For some of them, you take them out and flip through the memories like a photo album. For others, you just brush the thoughts aside and get on with life.

I thank God for the blessings in my life, and for the good things to come. Amen.

Labels: 2017, death, emo, God, grandma, health, life, love, memories, peace, Sam Smith, songs, time, too good at goodbyes

Back to the familiar sights and sounds, but i feel like a stranger lost in the mindless, nameless crowd. Between then and now, I've gained, lost, gained and lost to the inner demons of doubts in my head and heart. It's a disease that had me eaten inside out for years. I want to beat this sickness, and i don't know how. Life's a journey, and my journey hasn't been the smoothest nor the most challenging. I can, and will only be thankful for what I have, be hopeful for what's to come, because when there is darkness, there will be light, or so i pray.



  

This heavy feeling is compounded by my fear of losing someone so so dear. There are so many memories, both vivid and vague. I know it's going to be tough, and it's a mixed bag of feelings - to let go or not. The age-old question, we all ask at various points of our lives. I know it would end her suffering, yet it's not easy not to be selfish; I can't bear to let her go and allow her to become a fragment of my memory. I am holding on, I want to hold on. I pray, I hope, I beg for her to recover, for her to stay, just a little while more. So God, on this beautiful Friday, please hear my prayers, hopes and wishes, and I'll remain forever thankful. Amen.

Labels: 2017, emo, family, fear, God, grandma, hope, life, love, memories, phil wickham, pray, the light will come

My journey in Melbourne is coming to an end. I started at where I began in life but older and none the wiser. I'm sad, and I wished the earth would swallow me up. It's gonna be a challenging Christmas and New Year.

I thought I had gained, but at the end, I lost more than I have ever thought I would.

Still, I thank God for the wonderful things that have happened. I believe there are good plans ahead, and I still have hope. Amen.

Labels: 2016, accident, blessed, emo, God, graduation, life, love, melbourne, sad, school

It has been 1 year, 3 months, 20 days since the accident. Do I still remember what happened then? Of course. The people crowding around me asking for my details, asking if I am ok. I remembered my abdomen hurts like @*#&@, I curled up on the grass patch, not wanting to move, afraid to break something. The paramedics finally reached, in what was like forever. I was brought up the ambulance, and asked what was my level of pain. I was given morphine once, the pain was still high, and I was given more, finally I felt less pain. What I felt more of, was fear. Fear of what was happening, going to happen, will happen. I don't want to know I am seriously injured. In the first hospital, I was terrified but comforted the crying driver by saying I'm ok. Perhaps, I am comforting myself, by saying I am ok. I didn't think I would have a serious injury, and the accident didn't seem too bad, and the other two girls looked fine. But I wasn't fine. My neck was in a brace. I felt pain from the bruises on my hip and arms and shoulders. I still had pain in my abdomen.

The nurses said my x-ray showed that my back bone was broken.

I didn't know what was the extent. I was scared, and I texted my brother. I was worried but I didn't want my poor mum to be worried, I asked, 'should i tell mum?' He said I should.

The company I was with showed concerned but they continued on their journey. I wouldn't have wanted otherwise, I would feel guilty, yet it was a little sad to realise at that moment that these weren't your close friends, they were your camp mates.

I was airlifted to RMH and left in the emergency room for what was another century. My clothes had to be cut away to prevent aggravating the injury. I was upset, I didn't want them to cut my new pants and top. Perhaps, I was upset wondering 'is my injury that bad?'

I was in hospital for a week. I had numerous tests. I couldn't eat and couldn't shower and needed painkillers to sleep.

I still remembered the moment I saw my mum, I cried, even though I had told myself not to because that would worry her. My caring classmates came visit and helped my mum and aunt settle in quickly. I appreciated that alot, because I couldn't be there for my family.

It was a terrible and horrible period for me. I needed help with daily chores. I had to be in a back brace. I had to eat painkillers multiple times a day. I felt bad that my mum with chronic pain herself had to help me. I cried knowing that crying wouldn't help, and I got angry at people despite their help. I asked God why, and I still do.

I want to be well. I want to run, jump, fly. I went for counselling, I went for physiotherapy, I did everything I had to, hoping I would be well enough by now to at least run and jump.

Everyone tells me I will get well. What is well? When? Running at 21 is different from running at 31 is different from running at 41.

Don't tell me I should go for more sessions, I should get well, I should this and that. Yes, the accident happened, but my life goes on, and life only has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Of course I want to return to normalcy. Of course I don't want pain. It upsets me when others think I am not doing enough, or that eventually things will be okay. They fail to see that in the mean time, I'm living my life in pain. In the mean time, I am not me but I'm still living me as much as I can.

Labels: 2016, accident, australia, life, pain

Dear 17 year old Dominique, Be careful of that big nasty rock near the track because you're going to sprain your ankle and not be able to play volleyball as competitively as before. You were a big fish in a medium sized pond, and now you're a small fish in a big lake. Don't stress. Be confident of your strengths and be aware of your weakness. Time manage and be discipline. Set a little more time aside for Maths, especially Statistics. Don't take up Maths S papers. Try Biology. It has always been your interest. Understand the difference between settling for someone, and loving someone. Don't break his heart. Don't be afraid of heartaches. Know that relationships are about commitment, compromise, care, communication and consideration. Keep those who never forsake you close, real close. Love your family. Go have coffee with dad more, and hug your mum more. Talk to your brothers more, especially your elder brother. Learn to breathe easy. Visit your granny more, hug her, and ask her about her life stories. Most importantly, understand that regrets in life are often things you don't try or let go, rather than things you've done or treasured dearly. Love more, laugh more, live more. With all my heart and love, 30 year old Dominique.

Labels: 2016, emo, letter, life, memories

We all had dreams as a little child, that thought or comment of 'one day I'm gonna...'.

Well, most of mine are slowly realized over the years and as my third decade on Earth is gradually approaching, I reminisced and pondered over everything that has happened and hasn't happen. You know, the kind of emo nemo stuff I am often overly indulgent on.

If there's anyone who knows me or has read my blog's previous entries, you would know I'm really not good with relationships - to stay in it or to keep someone. It's scary how judgmental people can be, to know you have been single all your life, to know you have had abusive relationships, to know you have had many relationships, etc. They conjure up may hypotheses like your bad childhood, your appearances, your character, your ambitious desire, your materialism, your lack of fidelity and many more. And yes, I've been in conversations like these and although the comments were not directed at me, I often wonder what they thought of me.

It sort of reminded me of the many reasons why people are plump especially after the viral fat/body shaming videos. I can understand that for some people, they want to slim down and have tried hard but haven't had much success due to external reasons like health/biological conditions. For some people I know, it was a challenging but beneficial journey to healthier and slimmer bodies.

So, I guess, I'm not sure what's happening here but I would like to believe it's a combination of Nature versus Nurture debate. I would also like to believe I am becoming a better person as time goes by. I do not want a 'anything goes' outcome. Sparks should fly and pieces should fit. So, it's gonna be a 'we shall see' situation. In the mean time, I believe that we should do things that we want to regardless of  marital status. There will always be down times but life is too long for sadness and too short for happiness. Let's take a better route, smell the roses and enjoy.

Peace out and God bless. 

Labels: 2015, 30, BANFF, emo, God, happiness, marriage, memories, music, relationships, The Great Unknown

Labels: 2015, accident, australia, God, hope, kangeroo, life, love, victoria

Woke up feeling rather gloomy today and the weather in Melbourne reflects exactly that. It has been sunny this week until today. Pretty sure it's gonna rain in an hour's time.

Ever since I've moved into this room, I've had dreams every night. They are not pleasant at all. :( I often wake up feeling scared or sad. Today, it's been the worst. It's a stark reminder of what I've lost and it was painful. You would move on from all these memories because life and time goes on and being someone who's caught up with my own goals, I do move forward. However, we all would realise, that from time to time, these memories come back to haunt us. Once again, we find our hearts and minds really affected by them. I often feel alone when I feel this way but I'm pretty sure he does, everyone does. It's just how frequent and how much we allow ourselves to be affected by it.

Moral of the story? I need a dreamcatcher! :p

Meanwhile, being in Melbourne alone and starting on a new independent journey again, is a dream and goal come true! :) However in reality, this new phase of life may be giving some stress. Although I feel fine but my body and mind are finer calipers of balance and right now, I may be just feeling out of sorts while adjusting to life.

So far, I'm quite thankful. Not many major hiccups and I'm grateful for many things that have happened and people who have helped. I can only continue to pray and hope for things to be good, for love, peace, health and happiness. Amen.

The pictures kinda sum up what I've been doing.

Coffee (loads), exploring lanes, night life (White Night!), Queen Victoria Market, CNY, Beaches (St Kilda)! :)

Labels: 2015, australia, coffee, dreamcatcher, dreams, emo, God, life, lost, love, melbourne, queen victoria market, st kilda, stress, travel

Labels: 2014, God, hope, phil wickham, pray, sarah reeves, uncertainties, weekends, you're beautiful

Labels: 2014, angus & julia stone, emo, God, heart beats slow, indie, love, memories, music, regrets, songs

Once again, I feel this way. I hope what I choose to do is what God had wanted me to do. I pray for peace, love, health and happiness. Amen.

Labels: 2014, emo, family, friends, God, life, love, pensive, relationships

Running always gives me time to think to myself. Some people call it 'me-time', 'self-talk', etc. Well, yesterday I thought of something. It wasn't something new to me but it has proven to be true over the years.
It all started when a few student leaders from RGS held a leadership/motivational programme for students in my school. One of them whose name, I think, was Subashini, wrote a note for me and on it, it was written "Aim for the moon. Even if you don't reach it, you will land among the stars." Being a little girl with no older sisters as role models, what she said was impressed upon me. I wanted to go RGS but didn't do exceptionally well. I did well enough to be offered SAP schools. My 2nd brother was also a role model who gave me advice on sponsorship and that grades weren't the only thing that makes one outstanding. Eventually, I attended his college as well.
It was not easy being a little fish in big ponds but I swam with the school (pun intended ;)) and did average. It was good enough to lessen the financial load and my parents were able to retire early. :)

Right now, I'm very thankful for what I've received. It is indeed God's Grace.

As I was running 10km on an early Saturday morning along the sea, I thought to myself:
It's nice to be the best and beat everyone else. It's not possible for the world to support so many 'best' people (with reference to 'winners' in economics). However, you do not need to be the best to be happy or satisfied or to live well. We all have our own personal best and that's good enough. You just have to learn from the best, work with the best, move with the best and even if you're not the best, you won't be far off.

Yes and that was my Saturday morning. No, I didn't win the top 10 prizes in the run but Yes, I finished the race and was ahead of many others. :)

Labels: 2014, happy, life, race, random thoughts, role models, running, thankful

Many things happened and yet not many things happened recently. 

Labels: 2014, choices, happiness, life

For he's a jolly good fellow,
The one I remembered from young.
The piggybacks and funny jokes,
The hugs and laughters,
The occasional scolds.

Years gone by, he's grown old,
And we have all grown apart.
Our families meet once a year,
The gathering of many for the new beginning,
The one I see him at.

He fought many battles,
Through the lines and creases, we see.
He fought hard till the end,
Through the weeks, we saw.
We prayed. We wept. We loved more.

Although you're gone from our sight,
No matter what,
No matter where,
No matter when,
In our hearts and in our minds,
You'll always be a part.

God bless your soul and all the loved ones you've left behind. Amen.

I will miss you...and especially your smile.

Labels: 2014, 21August2014, emo, family, God, life, love, memories, prose, uncle

Today I received a call from my aunt and it got me worried until mum came home. I'm grateful for everyday that my uncle is fine.

Yet, I can't help but wonder about my own life and the journey ahead. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep hope up.

Robin Williams passed away today. A friend posted an article about how the funniest or happiest person may be the most unhappy or depressed person. 
The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

Heard this song on my way home from gym and it become my ear worm. So meaningful and kinda expresses how I feel lately.

辛曉琪 遺忘

Labels: 2014, chinese songs, comedians, depression, emo, family, friends, God, hope, life, love, memories, pray, reminiscence, robin williams, songs, thankful, time, Time magazine, Winnie Hsin

The train carriage was quiet although most of the seats were taken. There was a lady reading a magazine, a teenage boy bobbing his head to the music playing through his headphones, an old couple staring into space with their hands held on tightly together and a couple of tired workers with their eyes half-shut. I was sitting there looking around and thinking about plans for tomorrow when the carriage doors open and in ran two young children with their father behind them. He sat down quietly beside me. His two children were chasing round the poles and loud laughter and shrill shrieks were heard from time to time.I turned to look at my neighbour and he was nonchalantly staring into space. It was as if he could not hear nor see the ruckus. I looked around the carriage to see if anyone was also bothered by the scene. A few exchanged looks with me and gave a disapproving look while the rest did not stir. I closed my eyes and hoped that the children would tire soon and sit down with their father. It felt like a long wait. Finally, I turned to tap on his shoulders. 

"Excuse me sir, could you ask your children not to run and shout?"

"I'm sorry. We just returned from the hospital. Their mother just passed on. I'm not sure what to do either."

This story was adapted from a story I've heard during a workshop. It was about making assumptions. In our daily lives, we often make assumptions based on our own experiences, senses, beliefs and perspectives. Today, I sat in the bus on my way to the hospital to accompany my mother. My uncle is not well and appears to be in a critical and delicate situation. I was troubled. Yet, I was reminded of that story, of how I am troubled and how everyone on the bus might have viewed me. The least likely opinion that they would have of me is that my loved one is not well. And I looked around, wondering what is everyone's story. Do they have an amazing or unhappy childhood? Are they healthy or are they sick? Do they have financial security or instability?

Everyone has a story. I don't want his to end. God bless him. I really hope he becomes better and that he will wake up to smile to me again. Pray for him.

Labels: 2014, emo, family, God, health, kinship, love, pray, stories, uncle

Labels: 2014, Adam Levine, emo, family, friends, God, hope, hopes and dreams, i will wait, lost, Lost Stars, love, pray, songs, work

To start off this post on a usual sunny Sunday evening, I would like to express my deepest condolences to the family and friends of those who were in the unfortunate MH17 incident. My heart sank and my eyes were teary from all the pictures and stories I've been reading. I'm particularly concerned as well because this is an international incident which could lead to many possible outcomes and one of which is war. I hope everyone has learnt enough from past history to know that noone should have to go through war again. It is not as if the world is not chaotic enough with man-made terror in some parts of the world and natural disasters in other parts. I'm thankful to be in Singapore where times are generally peaceful and there are not many natural disasters. However we are a small country and we are vulnerable to these external decisions and events of bigger countries. I saw this quote by someone who laid flowers at the embassy, 'fight for the world; not fight for your country'. We can be proud of our countries. We can engage in healthy competitions or 'fights' like the World Cup, Olympics, Wimbledon. We should recognize that at the end of the day, we are kinda of the same despite our differences in skin colour, religions, beliefs, geographical locations, cultures because when we die, we are all but a body of mass. It's not as if capitalism and consumerism haven't been stripping this Earth of resources enough, war would waste more resources that could be put into many more years of our own survival. And without these resources, without Mother Earth, we won't survive at all. I may not have experienced war but i know enough to not want to go through anything similar.

Looking at the lifeless bodies, it's hard not to feel sad knowing that a moment ago, these were healthy happy people, full of hope and full of life. So despite our differences, life is fragile for all of us. Indeed, no amount of money and power can keep you alive because one day, we all must die. Perhaps absolute peace is an idealistic concept for this lifetime but I hope tolerance and compromise for the sake of peaceful times is definitely worth it for all generations to come.

Peace out. \/

God bless us all. Amen.

Labels: 2014, disaster, family, friends, love, mh17, Mother Earth, peace, pensive, war

Paris and London were wonderful. The memories were aplenty and I remembered mostly the good ones. They leave me teary. Why? I ask God as well.
I can only trust and pray.

Discovered new music today. Swedish band, Amarante's Don't Look Back. It was used as a background music for a video uploaded by a girl with depression and other mental illnesses. She chronicled her selfies for 6.5years from 14 to 21 years old. It was this song that struck me most.
It was soothing for the challenging times I've been having. I kinda got lost in 2 relationships that meant alot to me.

Wish me good luck for next Monday. It's a very very very important interview to me.  God bless us all.

That the world isn't fair 

This light doesn't owe you anything 

It's in your hands 

To make your own luck 

Live your own life 

You're awake 

Well, count on me 

When the world isn't kind 

And it leaves you behind 

All alone 

Just remember dear: 

You are a strong one 

You will not let it 

Knock you down 

Don't look back 

Just keep your head up 

Don't look back 

Just keep your head up 

Don't don't don't look back 

Just keep your head up 

Don't don't don't look back 

Just keep your head up

Labels: 2014, Amarante, don't look back, emo, family, friends, God, hope, life, london, love, memories, paris, relationships, scholarships, songs, work

I've taken so many cab rides. I remember started taking cabs really alot for 6 months of my JC Year 2 life because I injured my ankle. Now that I'm working and going around for visits requires me to take cabs, I've met so many cabbies and have had so many encounters and questions.

Top 3 questions:

1. Are you a teacher?
2. Are you a Eurasian/Malay/Chinese?
3. Are you a student?

I really don't like it when i step into a cab and they are listening to:

• 938
• 958
• sermons

"Can you help me take a photo of the car?" And the cabbie handed me his handphone, sped up to be near the car. Worst of all, he switched on the flash! Which means, I am embarrassed after taking a few shots and the car driver probably thought I was a fan of his car. It was a yellow car with black lightning motifs on its body and a spoiler. It was an ah-beng GTR. (-.-|||)

And with regards to the 2 question... in my head, i thought, "well, I'm not a Eurasian but I'm an asian who do like European labels. Does that count?"

Labels: 2014, cab driver, eurasians, funny, radio

Previously on Earth • Presently in Paradise

Leave a comment anywhere if you're interested in something pretty here.

Brand New Bags!

Good for weekends and work. Able to put magazines, files, notebook, ipad and a bottle of water to hydrate in this sunny weather.
Rich pebbled cowhide leather and a structured tote shape accented with 14 karat gold-plated hardware.
Contrast top-stitching with a double flat shoulder strap and a KATE SPADE NEW YORK" name plaque on the front center of the bag.
Has concealed zip-top closure that opens up to a pretty woven floral lining.
Has two open pockets trimmed in leather and a zipper pocket with leather accents and a "KATE SPADE NEW YORK" name plaque stitched into it.
ORP: US$365
Asking for $480!
Brand New With Tag. No dustbag.
20" Shoulder Straps
8" Shoulder Strap Drop
16" Width
13.5" Height
6" Depth


Longchamp Le Pliage in Rouge & Blanc


Favorite classic tote from Longchamp - Le Pliage in Blanc & Rouge
Zippered Tote
12" Long Handle - Cowhide Leather
1 Main Compartment with Zipper Opening and 1 Internal Pocket on the Front
Foldable for Easy Storage when Not In Use
Dimensions: 31x30x19cm
Made In France
Brand New!
ORP: $245
Asking for $185

History

August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 February 2015 June 2015 September 2015 February 2016 August 2016 December 2016 April 2017 October 2017