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Pain
Monday, August 22, 2016 • 8:57 PM • 0 comments It has been 1 year, 3 months, 20 days since the accident.
Do I still remember what happened then? Of course. The people crowding around me asking for my details, asking if I am ok. I remembered my abdomen hurts like @*#&@, I curled up on the grass patch, not wanting to move, afraid to break something.
The paramedics finally reached, in what was like forever. I was brought up the ambulance, and asked what was my level of pain. I was given morphine once, the pain was still high, and I was given more, finally I felt less pain. What I felt more of, was fear. Fear of what was happening, going to happen, will happen. I don't want to know I am seriously injured.
In the first hospital, I was terrified but comforted the crying driver by saying I'm ok. Perhaps, I am comforting myself, by saying I am ok. I didn't think I would have a serious injury, and the accident didn't seem too bad, and the other two girls looked fine. But I wasn't fine.
My neck was in a brace. I felt pain from the bruises on my hip and arms and shoulders. I still had pain in my abdomen.
The nurses said my x-ray showed that my back bone was broken. I didn't know what was the extent. I was scared, and I texted my brother. I was worried but I didn't want my poor mum to be worried, I asked, 'should i tell mum?' He said I should. The company I was with showed concerned but they continued on their journey. I wouldn't have wanted otherwise, I would feel guilty, yet it was a little sad to realise at that moment that these weren't your close friends, they were your camp mates. I was airlifted to RMH and left in the emergency room for what was another century. My clothes had to be cut away to prevent aggravating the injury. I was upset, I didn't want them to cut my new pants and top. Perhaps, I was upset wondering 'is my injury that bad?' I was in hospital for a week. I had numerous tests. I couldn't eat and couldn't shower and needed painkillers to sleep. I still remembered the moment I saw my mum, I cried, even though I had told myself not to because that would worry her. My caring classmates came visit and helped my mum and aunt settle in quickly. I appreciated that alot, because I couldn't be there for my family. It was a terrible and horrible period for me. I needed help with daily chores. I had to be in a back brace. I had to eat painkillers multiple times a day. I felt bad that my mum with chronic pain herself had to help me. I cried knowing that crying wouldn't help, and I got angry at people despite their help. I asked God why, and I still do. I want to be well. I want to run, jump, fly. I went for counselling, I went for physiotherapy, I did everything I had to, hoping I would be well enough by now to at least run and jump. Everyone tells me I will get well. What is well? When? Running at 21 is different from running at 31 is different from running at 41. Don't tell me I should go for more sessions, I should get well, I should this and that. Yes, the accident happened, but my life goes on, and life only has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Of course I want to return to normalcy. Of course I don't want pain. It upsets me when others think I am not doing enough, or that eventually things will be okay. They fail to see that in the mean time, I'm living my life in pain. In the mean time, I am not me but I'm still living me as much as I can. Labels: 2016, accident, australia, life, pain |
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