August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 February 2015 June 2015 September 2015 February 2016 August 2016 December 2016 April 2017 October 2017

i sent a card to share your joy like i always did,
i sent tears to share my thoughts of you,
i sent my careless whispers to the wind,
i sent my fond memories of you in my head,
and i still wonder if it's all gone and moved on.

maybe one day, you'll send them back to me.

Labels: 2012, 2013, hope, love

re·lapse/riˈlaps/

Verb:

(of someone suffering from a disease) Suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.

Can someone give me a pill to make me feel better? I need valium.

I'll be running away for awhile. I want to forget you and everything about you. I want to keep a space for someone who loves me more than you do and I want to fall in love again.

Can anybody hear me? Does anybody care?

God, please show me the way to happiness. Amen.

Labels: 2012, emo, holiday, love, relapse

I've never felt this way for so long. My tears still don't stop coming ever since 1st October. I hope with every tear drop, a part of the memories with you flows away. I don't want to hold on to them anymore. It hurts. I really really just want to let go and move on. Everytime I think about letting go, I think of how hard I fought to hold on and the good moments we had that led me to persevere.

I should think about how much you do not love me enough that's why you never really caught me when I fell so hard for you and all you wanted to do when times are rough is to let me go.




There's a new song that seems to speak to me about my situation.
"You're someone who never minded letting us go, letting me go. I need someone who never will let me go."

It's taking us downtown 
You're watching me watching me watching me go 
But I never listen 
No I never let you know 

Now heading uptown 
Is there something or nothing you wanted to say? 
'Cause I need to go now 
Do you want me to stay? 
I said stay 

What you need to know 
Is to try and let it go let it go 
What you need to find 
Is someone who never will let you go 

And oh oh 
Sunshine and city lights will guide you home 
And oh oh 
Yeah you gotta know that I'll never you go 

 Now we're stuck in midtown 
Surrounded by people and nothing but sound 
And we're going nowhere 
And we are the lost and found 

We're all over this town 
Is there something or nothing you wanted to say? 
'Cause I need to go now 
Do you want me to stay? 
I said stay 

What you need to know 
Is to try and let it go let it go 
What you need to find 
Is someone who never will let you go 
And oh oh 
And sunshine and city lights will guide you home 
And oh oh 
Yeah you gotta know that I'll never you go

Labels: 2012, emo, greyson chance, letting go, love, sunshine and city lights

Well, that's the first thing people ask me when I tell them what happened. Obviously, I'm not. Outwardly, of course I am. How can I not be? I'm too proud to show weakness and too distant to show vulnerability. I'm a sentimental person and I get emotional over the slightest issue. How can I not be?

Like the moth that flies towards fire, I'm just fatally attracted to you.

Has the time come? Has death been served on the platter? Have you taken the poison wine?

Then, let God give a sign, to when I can find a pillar of strength, of love and of wisdom.
Let's not waste youth and fertility, let that be the reason to live!
Until our purpose is achieved, when we see our labour bear fruits and propagate, let's not rest.

Amen.

Labels: 2012, emo, God, love, moths

A talented colleague sang this the other day and it resonated with me and how I'm feeling.




I've been down a lonely street tonight
And I don't know what's wrong with me
I don't know what's wrong with me

 But clouds cover up a Dublin sky
I don't know what's left of me
I don't know what's right with me

And I tried to keep my distance 
And I've sung Amazing Grace 
I've tarnished all our memories 
But there'll always be a trace of you 

Of you I remember laughing on that river's edge
Trying to get you to jump with me
Trying to get you to fall for me

And your trembling heart it beats so fast
Holding hands you promised me
Holding hands we counted to three

And I felt your slipping fingers 
And I saw you change your mind 
If I hadn't dragged you in with me 
You would have left me dive without you 
Without you 

Yeah they send you all the way from Hollywood
And maybe that Dublin sky was changing you
It put diamonds in your eyes
I always thought we were gonna make it through
But I wanted to hear it first from you

How many days am I gonna regret you? 
How many nights till I forget you? 
Have I been wasting all those years 
Held down by these tears 
How many dreams have I left deserted?
How many hopes have been diverted?
Have I been buried in the dirt 
Held down by this hurt 
And how many lows did I let you highjack
How many ways can I study the playback
How did I end up lying here
Crying underneath a Dublin sky?
How many days am I gonna regret you?
How many nights till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all these years?
Drowning in my tears
How many nights am I gonna regret you?
How many days till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all these years
Drowning in my tears?


It's gonna be tonight. It would appear that nothing is in my favor. I no longer have any strength nor wisdom to change anything. I'm fighting with my last bit of breath.

I remember a year ago, after we first met and got together, it rained quite often as well. I would think about cuddling under the blankets with you. I recall the many times, I woke up next to you and hear the pattering rain just outside the house. We only pulled closer to feel warmer together. I've always thought of you fondly whenever it rained.
Fast forward, a year on now, we're not even talking, no longer any warmth.

Did it hurt the most now because of our age, because of love, because of? Did I try the hardest for you because of? I don't know. I wished I knew the reasons to anything and the solutions to everything. But then i wouldn't be living life, would i?

And so, dear God, I'm still hoping. Please send me your blessings.

Labels: 2012, boyfriend, darren hayes, dublin sky, emo, God, love, rain

Can you hear me?
I know it's not right, but i just can't walk away.

Can you stop this war that you've started?

I surrendered myself long ago...

God, please give me strength to go on with everything at home, at work and in love.
God, please send your blessings for me to love and be loved. Amen.

I want a love like what Daniel sings.





And when we fight we fight 
And it ain't a pretty site 
Well it's not complex 
It's the make up sex 
Though we always get that right 
Well they don't make a pill 
That can give me the thrill 
When you look at me 
Then I hear you say 

Take me out spin me around 
We can laugh when we both fall down 
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight 
When I sing out of key 
Still play air guitar for me 
Let's get stupid dancing with cupid tonight 
Don't feel all kind of right

Labels: 2012, family, life, love, work

The weekend passed unlike the past 50 weekends. I was unhappy but I finished up my tears. Once in awhile, memories did roll out of my eyes and I felt tears. It was painful but I don't know what to do or who to speak to. It happened so many times before. Everyone wonders what makes this different from the previous times? Well, my heart still aches, no matter how many times it has happened. We were never sure if we were going to give it another shot and so I do feel heartaches and they hurt, alot. Precisely it has happened so many times before, each time it gets harder and harder to breathe, wider and wider to bridge.

I did try. I don't know why I do the things that I do. I am trying to be a better person.
You tried. You seem to have an explanation for everything that you do or not do. I know you were trying to be my partner.
As quoted from a friend:
I can't promise you a perfect relationship but I can promise you that if you're willing to try, I'm willing to stay.


And I keep waiting
For you to take me
And you keep waiting
To save what we had

So I'll make sure to keep my distance,
Say I love you when you're not listening,
How long, can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance,
Say I love you when you're not listening,
How long, till we call this love, love, love?
Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to love. So where is the love?

I'm disappointed that I was left out of the "honour" group despite being the one who got the ball rolling and was part of the planning team for the night. Well, at least now I know how much I am appreciated.

Often I wonder, do I have someone I call a friend when I'm in need?

That's the least of my worries right now. Whenever I'm troubled, I just feel like packing my bags and running away to start a fresh new life somewhere. Maybe one day.

God, please give me wisdom and strength and love to overcome all these. Amen.

Labels: 2012, Christina Perri, distance, emo, friends, God, life, love

When I was young, I was naive
I didn't want you, or you, or you
I was running away, away, away

When I was older, I was naive
I only wanted you, you, you
I didn't want two, two, two

Run and run and run and run
I'm trying to forgive myself
Hide away, hide away
Where can I stay?

Oh, memories, Oh sweet soul
Why have you come to take my heart away?
Oh memories, Oh sweet soul
Why oh why, why oh why,
Am I losing my faith...

Hey, we have put in so much effort in this, both you and I.I know times are bleak and it all seems so unsettling but I've never stopped trying. So, come walk with me, please.

Labels: 2012, happiness, life, love, personal works

It has happened at least 8 times, average of once a month.
Can things be simpler? Can both of us stop wanting to leave?

I believed there were good times, can we focus on them?


God, please help us all through the uncertain times.

Labels: 2012, boyfriend, God, happiness, love, relationships

I could have posted about the hen's night last night or the supposedly last pageant as a Miss just a week ago or the upcoming renovation of my bedroom but I chose to share my sadness and confusion because this is my blog and this is a memory I would like to keep to remind myself all the troughs and peaks of this arduous relationship.

I always knew I'm not a perfect person, never will be. I will never be perfect for anyone too and I'm not looking for the perfect one either. I just want to be good enough for someone and for someone to be good enough for me and let's just be happy.

I'm so pathetic that I'm so angry at myself. Help! I need a sign, to stay or to move on, really.

Why are you so capricious?
It's enough to have an eccentric one, we don't need two.

Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping's impossible, too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?
It's not right, not okay
Say the word that you say
Maybe we're better off this way
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way
It's better that we break

God bless us all with not the right answers, but the best outcomes. Amen.

Labels: 2012, happiness, love, maroon 5, relationships

Finally I'm relieved of my MES duties on 23rd June. 4 gorgeous ladies are the new Queens. I'll continue to go green though. Always did because I have always felt guilty for wasting things.
Like I've always said, "Every little green action counts!"

Sigh, I'd love to be in another pageant but I guess I'm over-aged. Gosh!
People always wonder why I join pageants. Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is dressing up!
Asking me to put on full makeup, fake lashes, walk gracefully everyday is not gonna happen but i like that idea once in awhile and what better time to do it than during beauty contests. We get made up by professionals, hair blown, beautiful dresses, make friends with other gorgeous ladies. I like that.

I like proving stereotypes wrong too. I think beautiful people who join beauty contests do not necessarily make them bimbos or lowly/poorly educated. Many of us are well educated, well groomed, confident and articulated ladies. =)
And so, joining pageant has become my interest. Of course, it is not my ONLY interest.

MES has been one of the more enjoyable ones because contestants are really nice people and made good friends. I remember one of the pageants I joined left an unpleasant aftertaste though. The winner had allegedly bought her titles.The winner and the organisation should feel guilty and ashamed. Oh well. Adds to the experience of joining pageants. =D


Finally, my favorite part of June was my West Coast trip to LA, SF, Vegas and Canyon. It was a great experience driving long distances, comfortable silences, beautiful landscapes and buildings, friendly animals and people, amazing food and great weather.
I got too tanned for my liking and that's not so nice though.
Lots of shopping, Coach, Kate Spade, Tiffany's, Tods, etc.
Watched Temper Trap.
Went Disneyland in LA!!!
Took hotair balloon.
Went wineries.
Gambled in Vegas.
Watched Cirque de Soleil.
Venice Beach was pleasantly pretty.
There were some bumps along the way but overall, i think it was enjoyable. Can't wait to go the East Coast like NYC or Washington next trip!





I can feel all my emotional baggage weighing on me. Many of my girl friends are hitched this year but there are long term relationships like more than 4 years, that have crumbled and failed. It's really quite sad but I'm sure they will move on. Whether it was a good choice or not, only time will tell. Like a friend mentioned yesterday, "Everytime I attend a wedding, it's a happy scene but I'm really fighting a mini-crisis inside me". Totally understand!

I'm gonna hang in there and hold out for a year. I must tell myself that that's all it's worth waiting for, a year. I want to find someone whom I love, who has wit and humour, who is emotionally and financially secured, who makes me happy, who is willing to look past my flaws and is patient and kind to me, appreciate my strengths and encourage me, love me and care for me because he wants to and sees me as a life partner in sickness and in health, in richness and in poor, for all our lives together.

All together now... Awwww... so God bless us all. Amen.

Labels: 2012, california, emo, happiness, health, jason mraz, love, MES 2011, relationships, USA

There we go again and hopefully all the way...?

God bless everyone.

Happy Easter! :)

Labels: 2012, boyfriend, couple, life, love

After almost 7 months of great ups and downs, we're done.
With every relationship, as I put in greater hopes and efforts, the more hurt and disappointments.
I loved. I'm tired.
I knew better but it's hard to explain. Like a moth to the fire, I've been burnt.







God I can only pray and hope for glad tidings. Love, happiness and health. Amen.

Labels: 2012, damien rice, emo, life, love

I wish for better relationships at home and at work and with D. I wanna have more money and time to travel more.

Most importantly, I wish for peace, love, health and great happiness.

Labels: 2011, 2012, family, friends, happiness, health, love, peace, travel, work

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