♥ Dominique ♥

Pain

Monday, August 22, 2016 • 8:57 PM • 0 comments

It has been 1 year, 3 months, 20 days since the accident. Do I still remember what happened then? Of course. The people crowding around me asking for my details, asking if I am ok. I remembered my abdomen hurts like @*#&@, I curled up on the grass patch, not wanting to move, afraid to break something. The paramedics finally reached, in what was like forever. I was brought up the ambulance, and asked what was my level of pain. I was given morphine once, the pain was still high, and I was given more, finally I felt less pain. What I felt more of, was fear. Fear of what was happening, going to happen, will happen. I don't want to know I am seriously injured. In the first hospital, I was terrified but comforted the crying driver by saying I'm ok. Perhaps, I am comforting myself, by saying I am ok. I didn't think I would have a serious injury, and the accident didn't seem too bad, and the other two girls looked fine. But I wasn't fine. My neck was in a brace. I felt pain from the bruises on my hip and arms and shoulders. I still had pain in my abdomen.

The nurses said my x-ray showed that my back bone was broken.

I didn't know what was the extent. I was scared, and I texted my brother. I was worried but I didn't want my poor mum to be worried, I asked, 'should i tell mum?' He said I should.

The company I was with showed concerned but they continued on their journey. I wouldn't have wanted otherwise, I would feel guilty, yet it was a little sad to realise at that moment that these weren't your close friends, they were your camp mates.

I was airlifted to RMH and left in the emergency room for what was another century. My clothes had to be cut away to prevent aggravating the injury. I was upset, I didn't want them to cut my new pants and top. Perhaps, I was upset wondering 'is my injury that bad?'

I was in hospital for a week. I had numerous tests. I couldn't eat and couldn't shower and needed painkillers to sleep.

I still remembered the moment I saw my mum, I cried, even though I had told myself not to because that would worry her. My caring classmates came visit and helped my mum and aunt settle in quickly. I appreciated that alot, because I couldn't be there for my family.

It was a terrible and horrible period for me. I needed help with daily chores. I had to be in a back brace. I had to eat painkillers multiple times a day. I felt bad that my mum with chronic pain herself had to help me. I cried knowing that crying wouldn't help, and I got angry at people despite their help. I asked God why, and I still do.

I want to be well. I want to run, jump, fly. I went for counselling, I went for physiotherapy, I did everything I had to, hoping I would be well enough by now to at least run and jump.

Everyone tells me I will get well. What is well? When? Running at 21 is different from running at 31 is different from running at 41.

Don't tell me I should go for more sessions, I should get well, I should this and that. Yes, the accident happened, but my life goes on, and life only has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Of course I want to return to normalcy. Of course I don't want pain. It upsets me when others think I am not doing enough, or that eventually things will be okay. They fail to see that in the mean time, I'm living my life in pain. In the mean time, I am not me but I'm still living me as much as I can.

Labels: 2016, accident, australia, life, pain

Dear Dominique

Friday, February 5, 2016 • 6:39 PM • 0 comments

Dear 17 year old Dominique, Be careful of that big nasty rock near the track because you're going to sprain your ankle and not be able to play volleyball as competitively as before. You were a big fish in a medium sized pond, and now you're a small fish in a big lake. Don't stress. Be confident of your strengths and be aware of your weakness. Time manage and be discipline. Set a little more time aside for Maths, especially Statistics. Don't take up Maths S papers. Try Biology. It has always been your interest. Understand the difference between settling for someone, and loving someone. Don't break his heart. Don't be afraid of heartaches. Know that relationships are about commitment, compromise, care, communication and consideration. Keep those who never forsake you close, real close. Love your family. Go have coffee with dad more, and hug your mum more. Talk to your brothers more, especially your elder brother. Learn to breathe easy. Visit your granny more, hug her, and ask her about her life stories. Most importantly, understand that regrets in life are often things you don't try or let go, rather than things you've done or treasured dearly. Love more, laugh more, live more. With all my heart and love, 30 year old Dominique.

Labels: 2016, emo, letter, life, memories

As a little girl

Saturday, September 26, 2015 • 1:24 PM • 0 comments

We all had dreams as a little child, that thought or comment of 'one day I'm gonna...'.

Well, most of mine are slowly realized over the years and as my third decade on Earth is gradually approaching, I reminisced and pondered over everything that has happened and hasn't happen. You know, the kind of emo nemo stuff I am often overly indulgent on.

If there's anyone who knows me or has read my blog's previous entries, you would know I'm really not good with relationships - to stay in it or to keep someone. It's scary how judgmental people can be, to know you have been single all your life, to know you have had abusive relationships, to know you have had many relationships, etc. They conjure up may hypotheses like your bad childhood, your appearances, your character, your ambitious desire, your materialism, your lack of fidelity and many more. And yes, I've been in conversations like these and although the comments were not directed at me, I often wonder what they thought of me.

It sort of reminded me of the many reasons why people are plump especially after the viral fat/body shaming videos. I can understand that for some people, they want to slim down and have tried hard but haven't had much success due to external reasons like health/biological conditions. For some people I know, it was a challenging but beneficial journey to healthier and slimmer bodies.

So, I guess, I'm not sure what's happening here but I would like to believe it's a combination of Nature versus Nurture debate. I would also like to believe I am becoming a better person as time goes by. I do not want a 'anything goes' outcome. Sparks should fly and pieces should fit. So, it's gonna be a 'we shall see' situation. In the mean time, I believe that we should do things that we want to regardless of marital status. There will always be down times but life is too long for sadness and too short for happiness. Let's take a better route, smell the roses and enjoy.

Peace out and God bless.

Labels: 2015, 30, BANFF, emo, God, happiness, marriage, memories, music, relationships, The Great Unknown

Like a child who lost her lollies

Saturday, June 20, 2015 • 9:49 PM • 0 comments

Victoria is beautiful. I love her nature and one can imagine how frustrated and sad I am to have lost the ability to explore her for a long time. I'm still thankful to be alive and that recovery, no matter how slow and painful, will come. But 2nd May and the days to follow, was an unpleasant period in my entire life so far. I really hope nothing like this would happen to me or anyone I love again. This photo was taken shortly before it happened. I still love exploring the wilderness and I can't wait to be back out there again.

I could only pray for the wisdom and strength to recover mentally, emotionally, spiritually and definitely physically.When I am, the world will know and I hope I will be able to forgive and move on.

Having my mother to care for me, was heaps of help to me. I appreciate the company although I have been really quick tempered due to all that frustration which has been better these days. Living alone has its perks and troughs but at times like these, I'm thankful for support from family and friends. Only in times of difficulties, you know who are those who really do care and show actions for it.

It's always amazing to have company. Many times in my life, I could have had found company but I guess I never really wanted company. I wanted someone who provides more than that. Chemistry is important and then after that, I want someone I could learn from and whom I can teach and we respect each other's expertise, so that we could grow and learn together. I want someone who is giving enough to let me win but quietly confident of himself. I want someone with dreams and ambitions and the drive to pursue them because I want to look up to him and run along side him with my dreams and ambitions. I want someone who has similar wide-ranging tastes in life like food, music, travel, books, movies, so that we can share our love for them and create new experiences together. Most of all, I want to feel and know that I am more important than anyone and anything in the world to him because I know one day, he'll be the world to me. I may not satisfy these wants, but as long as I'm breathing, I still hope one day, someone will love me like I do and that I will know that I love him too.

Meanwhile, I pray for love, peace, health and happiness. Amen.

Buenas Nouches.

Labels: 2015, accident, australia, God, hope, kangeroo, life, love, victoria

Dreams & Reality

Saturday, February 28, 2015 • 9:13 AM • 0 comments

Woke up feeling rather gloomy today and the weather in Melbourne reflects exactly that. It has been sunny this week until today. Pretty sure it's gonna rain in an hour's time.

Ever since I've moved into this room, I've had dreams every night. They are not pleasant at all. :( I often wake up feeling scared or sad. Today, it's been the worst. It's a stark reminder of what I've lost and it was painful. You would move on from all these memories because life and time goes on and being someone who's caught up with my own goals, I do move forward. However, we all would realise, that from time to time, these memories come back to haunt us. Once again, we find our hearts and minds really affected by them. I often feel alone when I feel this way but I'm pretty sure he does, everyone does. It's just how frequent and how much we allow ourselves to be affected by it.

Moral of the story? I need a dreamcatcher! :p

Meanwhile, being in Melbourne alone and starting on a new independent journey again, is a dream and goal come true! :) However in reality, this new phase of life may be giving some stress. Although I feel fine but my body and mind are finer calipers of balance and right now, I may be just feeling out of sorts while adjusting to life.

So far, I'm quite thankful. Not many major hiccups and I'm grateful for many things that have happened and people who have helped. I can only continue to pray and hope for things to be good, for love, peace, health and happiness. Amen.

The pictures kinda sum up what I've been doing.

Coffee (loads), exploring lanes, night life (White Night!), Queen Victoria Market, CNY, Beaches (St Kilda)! :)