Life, goes on
Saturday, October 21, 2017 • 5:01 PM • 0 comments
She has left.
I remember it was Sunday. Last day of May. I remember she was in pain for a while. I remember she could not longer speak. I remember my Grandmother, and she left quietly after every one of us came to say goodbye.

You never really forget someone, or get over someone. You just choose to keep them in a corner of your heart and mind. For some of them, you take them out and flip through the memories like a photo album. For others, you just brush the thoughts aside and get on with life.

I thank God for the blessings in my life, and for the good things to come. Amen.



SONG OF THE MOMENT


I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

I'm way too good at goodbyes

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Home?
Saturday, April 15, 2017 • 12:53 AM • 0 comments
Back to the familiar sights and sounds, but i feel like a stranger lost in the mindless, nameless crowd. Between then and now, I've gained, lost, gained and lost to the inner demons of doubts in my head and heart. It's a disease that had me eaten inside out for years. I want to beat this sickness, and i don't know how. Life's a journey, and my journey hasn't been the smoothest nor the most challenging. I can, and will only be thankful for what I have, be hopeful for what's to come, because when there is darkness, there will be light, or so i pray.



  

This heavy feeling is compounded by my fear of losing someone so so dear. There are so many memories, both vivid and vague. I know it's going to be tough, and it's a mixed bag of feelings - to let go or not. The age-old question, we all ask at various points of our lives. I know it would end her suffering, yet it's not easy not to be selfish; I can't bear to let her go and allow her to become a fragment of my memory. I am holding on, I want to hold on. I pray, I hope, I beg for her to recover, for her to stay, just a little while more. So God, on this beautiful Friday, please hear my prayers, hopes and wishes, and I'll remain forever thankful. Amen.

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December
Saturday, December 3, 2016 • 9:29 PM • 0 comments
My journey in Melbourne is coming to an end. I started at where I began in life but older and none the wiser. I'm sad, and I wished the earth would swallow me up. It's gonna be a challenging Christmas and New Year.

I thought I had gained, but at the end, I lost more than I have ever thought I would.

Still, I thank God for the wonderful things that have happened. I believe there are good plans ahead, and I still have hope. Amen.

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Pain
Monday, August 22, 2016 • 8:57 PM • 0 comments
It has been 1 year, 3 months, 20 days since the accident. Do I still remember what happened then? Of course. The people crowding around me asking for my details, asking if I am ok. I remembered my abdomen hurts like @*#&@, I curled up on the grass patch, not wanting to move, afraid to break something. The paramedics finally reached, in what was like forever. I was brought up the ambulance, and asked what was my level of pain. I was given morphine once, the pain was still high, and I was given more, finally I felt less pain. What I felt more of, was fear. Fear of what was happening, going to happen, will happen. I don't want to know I am seriously injured. In the first hospital, I was terrified but comforted the crying driver by saying I'm ok. Perhaps, I am comforting myself, by saying I am ok. I didn't think I would have a serious injury, and the accident didn't seem too bad, and the other two girls looked fine. But I wasn't fine. My neck was in a brace. I felt pain from the bruises on my hip and arms and shoulders. I still had pain in my abdomen.

The nurses said my x-ray showed that my back bone was broken.

I didn't know what was the extent. I was scared, and I texted my brother. I was worried but I didn't want my poor mum to be worried, I asked, 'should i tell mum?' He said I should.

The company I was with showed concerned but they continued on their journey. I wouldn't have wanted otherwise, I would feel guilty, yet it was a little sad to realise at that moment that these weren't your close friends, they were your camp mates.

I was airlifted to RMH and left in the emergency room for what was another century. My clothes had to be cut away to prevent aggravating the injury. I was upset, I didn't want them to cut my new pants and top. Perhaps, I was upset wondering 'is my injury that bad?'

I was in hospital for a week. I had numerous tests. I couldn't eat and couldn't shower and needed painkillers to sleep.

I still remembered the moment I saw my mum, I cried, even though I had told myself not to because that would worry her. My caring classmates came visit and helped my mum and aunt settle in quickly. I appreciated that alot, because I couldn't be there for my family.

It was a terrible and horrible period for me. I needed help with daily chores. I had to be in a back brace. I had to eat painkillers multiple times a day. I felt bad that my mum with chronic pain herself had to help me. I cried knowing that crying wouldn't help, and I got angry at people despite their help. I asked God why, and I still do.

I want to be well. I want to run, jump, fly. I went for counselling, I went for physiotherapy, I did everything I had to, hoping I would be well enough by now to at least run and jump.

Everyone tells me I will get well. What is well? When? Running at 21 is different from running at 31 is different from running at 41.

Don't tell me I should go for more sessions, I should get well, I should this and that. Yes, the accident happened, but my life goes on, and life only has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Of course I want to return to normalcy. Of course I don't want pain. It upsets me when others think I am not doing enough, or that eventually things will be okay. They fail to see that in the mean time, I'm living my life in pain. In the mean time, I am not me but I'm still living me as much as I can.

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Dear Dominique
Friday, February 5, 2016 • 6:39 PM • 0 comments
Dear 17 year old Dominique, Be careful of that big nasty rock near the track because you're going to sprain your ankle and not be able to play volleyball as competitively as before. You were a big fish in a medium sized pond, and now you're a small fish in a big lake. Don't stress. Be confident of your strengths and be aware of your weakness. Time manage and be discipline. Set a little more time aside for Maths, especially Statistics. Don't take up Maths S papers. Try Biology. It has always been your interest. Understand the difference between settling for someone, and loving someone. Don't break his heart. Don't be afraid of heartaches. Know that relationships are about commitment, compromise, care, communication and consideration. Keep those who never forsake you close, real close. Love your family. Go have coffee with dad more, and hug your mum more. Talk to your brothers more, especially your elder brother. Learn to breathe easy. Visit your granny more, hug her, and ask her about her life stories. Most importantly, understand that regrets in life are often things you don't try or let go, rather than things you've done or treasured dearly. Love more, laugh more, live more. With all my heart and love, 30 year old Dominique.

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